The Apple Wars
by bushes283
Summary: When time froze most pokemon went insane, the inhabitants of treasure town were already insane. Their insanity is tested by two thieves who had no idea what they were getting into when one of them decided to steal a Perfect Apple. Pre PMD2.
1. Summary

Not long after time stopped treasure town became a warzone. Mad pokemon, their souls twisted by the unending darkness had launched wave after wave at the tiny town. It was only due to the efforts of the Wigglytuff guild that anyone remained alive at all. The former cute and cheery buildings were abandoned, all the former inhabitants now lived within the guild, hidden from the outside world. Every once in a while small teams were sent out for food, too often they came back wounded and half mad, sometimes no one came back at all.

The dark world had a strange effect on pokemon, it twisted them. Pokemon twisted by the darkness weren't just insane, they were cruel, they didn't outright kill their prey, they tortured them, took a sick delight out of their pain. The pokemon who lived in the guild had managed to avoid succumbing to the madness, they couldn't avoid the effects completely though. When other pokemon tried to attack the guild, they used to fend them off and let them run away, now they killed intruders outright.

Once upon a time these were cheery pokemon who would do anything to help others in danger, now they were half starved, half mad survivors. They were also immortal, unless given a fatal wound they wouldn't die of old age, they also couldn't evolve. Only the pokemon that were alive when the world froze gained immortality. Those born after lived and died normally, those still sane enough to think about this, chalked it up to life always finding a way, even with time no longer there to guide it.

Guildmaster Wigglytuff retained the most of his original self, he hated that murder was necessary, and he really hated that he hadn't made a friend in ages. His temper was worse and set off without warning, but he was mostly the same, probably because he hadn't really been sane in the first place.

Wigglytuff it must be said, was still very obsessed with perfect apples. Somehow berries still grew, no one knew how but if they hadn't, everything would have died off long ago. Unfortunately for Wigglytuff, none of the fruits that still grew were perfect apples, there were apples yes, but they were shriveled and tasteless, like all the berries that somehow clung to life. So Wigglytuff had to make due with the apples he had left, perfect apples didn't get old and rotten, they remained perfect for eternity.

When time froze he went to apple woods and nabbed every single perfect apple he could find, he stashed one-hundred and fifty perfect apples in his room and limited himself to only eating them when he couldn't take not having one anymore. He managed surprisingly well, after what should have been twenty-two years he had ten left. He had no idea that those ten apples would be the cause of a fierce and dirty war, a war that would cause all the guild members to scratch their head and think to themselves "What the fuck?" It was a war without death, it was a war that would bring the tired exhausted pokemon of the guild back to life. The rest of the frozen world didn't notice it so they didn't call it anything. But too the guildmembers and the two unwitting thieves who started the whole thing, they knew only as: The Apple Wars.

* * *

First off, this story is basically crack, it's meant to be funny, but a dark kind of funny. Heh, I am going strange places with this little fic.


	2. The First Thief

Rated for violent jokes, swearing and sexual themes. Nothing explicit, but the overly sensitive might be offended.

Terminology

A wild: A term used to describe uncivilized pokemon, like what you find in dungeons, they can't communicate beyond roars and growls.

Disclaimer: I don't own Pokemon

* * *

The First Thief Appears

"So have you two decided what to do with him yet?" Asked Chatot.

"No, not yet Mr. Chatot, but we're having fun poking needles into him," Marill said.

"He makes such funny sounds," said Azurill, his voice filled with wicked glee.

The two brothers had a Drowzee tied up and muzzled, he was filled with needles and looked half starved. The two brothers had been searching for the Drowsee for ages, looking for revenge after he tricked them back when time still flowed. Now that they had found him, they were determined to cause him as much pain as possible before killing him.

"Yes I'm sure," Chatot said, shuffling a little.

"Maybe we should try drowning him next," Maril said, grinning at the idea.

"Yeah! Drown him! Drown him!" Azurill said, bouncing up on his tail in excitement.

"No, no, no, there's not enough water to drown him, you have to finish him off soon, he'll take up too many supplies otherwise," Chatot said.

"Aww, that's no fun at all," they said in unision.

"You have until my next patrol, by that time he must be dead," he said sternly.

"But your patrols are random, we don't know when the next one will be," said Marill.

"Deal with it."

And with that Chatot hopped off to continue his patrol. Something about the encounter seemed off to him, as if the brothers shouldn't have been tormenting that Drowzee but he shook it off.

After the paralysis, the guild had to be extended to accommodate the survivors of treasure town and the surviving exploration teams that had been in the area. There were now several extra floors made solely for sleeping in.

Chatot was a creature of order and organization, without time there was no order, no sense to the world. Wigglytuff had told him to keep track of all the pokemon living in the guild. Chatot thought it was a safety measure, every once in a while, some poor bastard succumbed to the madness and went on a murderous rampage. But Wigglytuff was smart, it was mainly to give Chatot a semblance of order, of normalcy, it was to keep Chatot sane. He couldn't time his patrols so he merely patrolled everytime he woke up.

He made a note on the notepad he kept under his wing at all times, it was a list of all the pokemon currently within the guild. He found Azurill and Marill's names and wrote: still sane. He had a list like it for every patrol he had ever done, his room was filled with the papers, all organized in a manner that made it easy to find which one he wanted.

He also kept records of all their supplies, and how frequently they were attacked by outsiders. Wigglytuff organized the hunting parties and designed most of the traps surrounding the base. They were really nasty traps, if you didn't know how to avoid them death was almost instantaneous. Of course some of them merely left you giggling for a few hours… or days.

Chatot continued his patrol, checking in each room, the Kecleon brothers were laughing at a wall. A lone Zangoose, all that remained from team Razor-Wind was mumbling nonsense to himself. Everyone had thought that the Swellow from team Tasty would have eaten his partner Wurmple by now, that was not so. Instead they had, well Chatot didn't like to think about it. Xatu was, well Chatot didn't bug Xatu much. He heard strange screams from all of those boxes he collected. Duskull was counting his Poke, it had become obsolete but Duskull was still obsessed with it. Team Slacker had some rope, but they were trying to work up the motivation to actually end it. Magnezone was currently running from Kangaskhan, he had stolen some of her food. Lastly, team AWD was… having a threesome.

Finally Chatot reached the area where all the apprentices stayed, they were all still alive and mostly sane, probably because they were the only ones who ever went outside.

Chatot checked the girl's room first, odd no one was there. Chimeco was on the current hunting party but Sunflora should be there. He checked the boy's room and found everyone accounted for, except for Loudred.

This was bad, Sunflora and Loudred had never really gotten along and it had just gotten worse over well, not time but it didn't matter. For the first time in a long time Chatot was panicked, the guild crew had managed to survive all this time and for their first death to be brought on by one of their own, no he wouldn't let it happen.

Fuelled by fear he flew out of the rooms in a panic, ripped around the guild and found nothing. He flew out of the guild and up in the sky. Narrowing his eyes he looked for any sign of color on the gray landscape, he spotted Sunflora and Loudred in the middle of the road where it split into four directions. He dove down expecting the worst.

As he neared he realized that they weren't trying to kill each other, instead they appeared to be arguing over a pile of grey ropes.

"Eeeek, like oh my gosh! How could you want to eat it, it's like the first grass type we've seen in a long time," Sunflora said, waving her leaves in indignation.

"EXACTLY." Boomed Loudred. "Do you know how good it'll TASTE! I can get Camerupt and Ponyta from team Flame to cook it up and it'll be like, like REALLY good."

"Of course I don't know how it'll taste, I'm a sunflora, I can't eat meat. Besides it would be like cannibalism. I haven't seen another grass type in the longest time, I can't let you eat it. I will not be responsible for the extinction of my type."

"I'd be doing it a favor by EATING it, you want to rape it!"

"No you pervert! I'm merely looking out for the good of-"

"BULLSHIT!" He accused. "It's been so long since you've had another grass type to get it on with. You're probably so desperate to get some that you'd even take a filthy uncivilized WILD!"

"I would never! Just because it's a wild doesn't mean that you can justify trying to extinguish my entire type!"

"I'm not trying to EXTINGUISH your entire type," he said, pointing his finger at her. "I'm trying to extinguish the emptiness in my BELLY!"

Sunflora opened her mouth to argue further when Chatot suddenly appeared between them and squawked as loudly as possible. Sunflora and Loudred cried out in shock and fell over backwards. Chatot hovered in the air a bit before landing on the ropes currently binding the unfortunate pokemon they had been arguing over.

"What on earth are you two doing out here!" He said, swiveling his head to glare at them both.

"Um, well," Chatot pivoted and focused his glare on Sunflora. She shuddered slightly and closed her eyes.

"I was in the mess hall and I thought I heard something, Loudred was nearby and we decided to poke around together. Eventually we found a pokemon but it was like, really fast. It jumped out and knocked Loudred over, clumsy oaf."

"HEY!"

"Well it's true, anyway I managed to hit it with a razor leaf and slowed it down a little. It managed to get out of the guild but I caught it around here, as I was struggling to hold him-"

"You MEAN rape him."

"I was not!" Sunflora exclaimed and tried to jump at loudred. Unfortunately Chatot was in the way and expecting her to attack, he pushed her back and she hit the ground rather hard.

"Enough! Loudred stop interrupting and Sunflora please continue without insulting Loudred every five seconds," Chatot squawked while flaring his wings.

Sunflora pushed herself off the ground and shook herself off.

"Right, anyway, while I was fighting the pokemon, Loudred finally came and he had the sense of mind to bring the extra rope we keep at the guild entrance in case the ladder breaks. We managed to catch the pokemon and tie it up."

Chatot blinked and looked down. "Why would you tie it up so thoroughly? I can't even see a bit of it."

"Well, it's really SLIPPERY," Loudred said. "it kept on getting LOOSE, so we decided to be extra carefull."

"I'm a bit worried," Said Sunflora. "It might not be able to breathe in there."

Chatot stared at hes oddly. "Please tell me that Loudred was wrong and you don't really want too-" he closed his eyes and chose his next words carefully. "Mate with a wild," he gulped and shuffled a little.

"I'm just concerned about the extinction of my type, I'm not some pervert interested in mindless nutters! Gosh!"

"Okay, okay I was just making sure, so what kind of pokemon is it?"

"I like, didn't recognize what kind of pokemon he was but I know he was a grass type."

"Oh, she KNOWS it's a grass type, what are YOU a psychic?"

"No I'm not! The fact that it had leaves on its body was as kind of a give-away."

"Will you two stop fighting every five seconds!" Chatot squawked.

"NOT my fault she's so easy to rile up."

Sunflora's leaves were twisted, and her mouth was opening and closing wordlessly. Sensing that this was about to get ugly, Chatot decided to change the subject.

"How about we check what kind of pokemon we have here, it might be part poison, rendering it inedible," Chatot said.

"But that means that if he's like all grass, you'll eat him."

"Look, I'm sorry Sunflora but food is hard to come by, we have to take what we can get. It's not like it's civilized, it's just a wild, no different from the meat we bring in every few weeks."

"HAH! Fresh tasting MEAT tonight!" Loudred cheered.

"you could at least be a bit nicer about it," Sunflora said, her head and leaves drooping slightly.

"NO, I really couldn't."

"Nothing's been decided yet, you said you found it inside the guild, that's very bad, it means that there's a weakness in one of the Guildmaster's traps. We won't get any answers from a wild but it would help to know exactly what it is."

Chatot brought his head down and began tugging on the ropes where the head should be.

"Wait, no! stop! It'll get away if you do that," Sunflora gasped her leaves covering her face in worry.

Loudred took the more direct route, he tried to stop Chatot by slamming into him. With a surprised squawk, Chatot fell off the pokemon, unfortunately Loudred landed on him.

"Get off! Get off me you wretched oaf!"

"Sorry," said Loudred as he got up, a sheepish look on his face. Then he remembered the prisoner, he turned around and sighed in relief, the pokemon was still tightly bound, although part of its head was showing through the ropes.

"I'm not an imbecile, I remembered that its a slippery fiend, I was only taking off enough rope to see what exactly it is," Chatot said ruffling his feathers indignantly.

"Sorry."

"Hmphh."

"So like, what is he?" Sunflora said, shuffling forward nervously.

"Hmm." Chatot hopped to the pokemon and peered at its face. An angry yellow eye glared back, Chatot poked a little at the ropes to reveal green skin and the start of a long leaf on the top of his head.

"Well, it seems that our sneaky little friend is a grovyle. They tend to be rather stealthy so that's probably how he got into the base. But more importantly, we can eat it!"

"YES!" Loudred said and he suddenly grabbed Chatot in a hug and started dancing around singing: "Fresh MEAT! Fresh MEAT! We're having FRESH meat!"

"Squawk! Let me go, this is undignified, put me down this instant. Squawk!"

Meanwhile, completely unnoticed to Loudred and Chatot, the Grovyle started rolling around frantically, Sunflora held it steady but noticed something odd. Muffled sounds were coming out of its mouth, almost as if, it were trying to talk. Sunflora knew this was impossible but still, she looked over at Chatot and Loudred. Chatot had escaped Loudred's arms and was now chasing him around the area, trying to peck Loudred's eyes out.

Sunflora looked at the Grovyle, and decided that she didn't really have anything to lose. Carefully using her leaves, she cut the ropes around Grovyles mouth.

"EEEK!" Sunflora, well eeked as the grovyle tore himself away from her leaves and spat the frayed ropes out of his mouth. At the same time he was trying to gulp in air so he ended up gagging on the ropes.

"I *cough* am not *hack* an Arceus damned *gurgle* Wild!"

Everything froze, okay bad analogy, everything was already frozen.

Loudred tripped and fell, Chatot fell out of the air with a squawk, and Sunflora eeked… again.

Loudred covered his eyes with his hands chanting: "I'm NOT insane. I'm NOT insane," over and over. Sunflora was still eeking. It was Chatot who recovered first. He picked himself up off the ground and turned his withering glare onto the Grovyle.

Now the thing about Chatot's glare is that everyone except the Guildmaster was terrified of it. Some thought that Chatot had gotten angry at time for flying by, and when he glared at it for daring to move too fast, it froze. Complete drivel of course but you get the idea, everyone was terrified of Chatot's glare… except the Guildmaster.

So when Grovyle glared right back, Chatot was slightly impressed. Sunflora and Loudred were cowering in the dirt and he hadn't even glanced at them.

"So, you're intelligent," he said, his glare now thoughtful.

How can a glare be thoughtful you ask? Well Chatot's glare had moods, don't ask why, the answer is to terrifying to comprehend… unless you're the Guildmaster.

"No really? I hadn't noticed. Now I think I've suffered enough, can you please just cut me loose and let me be on my way? I have no desire to ever come around here again. Ever. I learned my lesson, I plan to stay far away from this place. Far far away," said Grovyle.

"Well I suppose I could do that," Chatot's glare turned mocking. "But if you're intelligent, that means you entered the guild intently, with an intention. Now what was that intention I wonder?"

Chatot placed his wing under his beak and quirked his head. Grovyle just sighed in exasperation.

"Great, a drama queen, wonderful, things are really looking up."

"What on earth is a drama queen? Never mind," Chatot shook his head in confusion.

"Anyway, what made you so desperate, that you had to sneak through numerous dangerous traps in order to enter a simple sanctuary?"

"Look, I just spent precious moments of my life listening to you arguing over whether to eat me or rape me."

"Hey, I like said I don't want to rape you," Sunflora leaped up, brandishing her leaves in front of Grovyle's face.

"Yeah right, I felt you crop a feel when we were fighting earlier," he said turning his face away in disgust.

"HAH! I knew it, you're desperate!" Loudred said triumphantly.

"It must have been an accident, we were fighting! Gosh!"

"Enough!" Chatot squawked. Loudred and Sunflora shut up immediately.

"Now then, Grovyle, you intruded, you probably stole something. We are going to bring you back to guild until we can determine what it was you stole or tried to steal. Once we have finished interrogating, well. I don't really know. It's been so long since we've met anyone sane enough to be brought back as a prisoner."

Grovyle wasn't stupid. You didn't just let people go in this frozen world, if you did they exploited your weakness and came back to kill you, kindness tended to bite you in the ass.

"Sunflora! Loudred!" Chatot called.

"Yes," said Sunflora.

"WHAT!" said Loudred, Chatot glared at him, he shrank back.

"Take our... guest to the cell in the basement. In the meantime I need to speak to officer Magnezone and the Guildmaster."

With that Chatot flew off while Sunflora and and Loudred dragged Grovyle back to the guild. Poor Grovyle thought that this was the end of his life, he thought that they would execute him. Poor, poor unsuspecting Grovyle. He had no idea.

* * *

Ah Chatot, you weren't meant to have such a large part but that's the way the cookie crumbles. Meh I like you so I don't mind that you took a life of your own. And yes, that Grovyle is the time gear thief, before he even started searching for the time gears.

On suicide: I realize that suicide isn't really all that funny. Normally I tend to avoid suicide jokes because of how tasteless they are, but if you, dear reader could forgive this once? It won't happen again.

On rape: Like suicide rape isn't really all that funny, however there was a reason for it's mention. This fic is going to be HeroxGrovyle, this is not bestiality. As you can tell Grovyle is intelligent and has the ability to say yes or no. A 'wild' pokemon is like an animal in our world, it doesn't have the ability to say yes or no, therefore it would be considered rape to sexually involve yourself with one of them. If the alien Garrus Vakarian is romancable in Mass Effect 2, there really should be a problem because Grovyle looks more humanoid than Garrus.

On explaining: I like to explain myself, it puts things in perspective for me and whoever's interested in reading my explanations. If you don't like it, don't read it.

The pokemon I mentioned above are not all the survivors, I will compile a list on who's alive and who's dead once I actually decide for sure.


End file.
